Rockin' Tunes Ruined by 1st Grade Lyrics; 6 Offenders from Modern Country

Rockin’ Tunes Ruined by 1^st Grade Lyrics; 6 Offenders from Modern Country

Now when we say “Modern” we don’t mean Alan Jackson or even Garth Brooks. You have to say that because country is weird like that. If you start talking about the “Old” or “classic” country versus modern country, prepare for some fisticuffs, because if you think Travis Tritt is “classic” you’re in for a whoopin. Garth Brooks? Try again, someone will be there to throw down someone way more classic until you get to the Oakridge Boys or even Johnny Cash (who is now somehow country). Heck, we might as well throw in the Soggy Bottom Boys and just see if anyone actually refutes that because they know better;

What? You mean you haven’t heard George Clooney’s Classic Old-Timey Stuff?

 You don’t know nothing’ about country do you?

What we mean is stuff that’s come out in the past few years. Some of it is affectionately (and we use that term loosely) termed Rockabilly, or Dirt Road Country. I have to say, I have heard some of the best music come out of Country music in the last four years, more than all the rest combined.  I know all of the fans are instantly furious that I don’t find Alan Jackson’s Good Time romp-stompin’ amazing, but the infusion of other elements has created a creative boom in Country that is actually making it mainstream.

And Country deserves it too. That last genre to stoop to songs about nothing but sex and partying (not that there wasn’t always that laced in somewhere; I’m looking at you Kenny Chesney.) it survived horrible phases like the Tear in Your Beer era where every country song sounded the same, felt the same, and was about losing everything you held dear.

Country Music, Circa Hank Williams

But what we got with it was a travesty, something far worse, as though Country up and sold its soul to the devil…possibly for a golden fiddle, who knows. Country has been all about the lyrics. What is the song about? Who cares what it sounds like, the content was what mattered and that’s what made it special, something set apart from all other genres tainted by the entertainment industry. Country was like a holdout against music industry sellouts because it flew under the radar, buried under stereotypes and marginalization for years. It finally spread its wings through the innovative work of people like Chris LeDoux, Travis Tritt, Brad Paisley, Keith Urban, and others who brought a whole new sound to the game but kept the content.

But then like some wicked betrayal at the end of the movie after the rebels have fought their way into the bad guy’s stronghold, some cocky kid turns the gun on you and sells out. Country went the way of hip-hop, tons a great beats and tunes with songs about meaningless banter. The result is the songs below as I do my best to compose perhaps not the worst offenders, but certainly the most noticeable. Songs with music awesome enough to the break the top 40 with lyrics shamelessly written by 3^rd graders. Songs that were almost good, but just missed horribly like how good you thought you could have been if you’d just been able to hit the stupid ball back in little league. If you could do that you’d be awesome. (Note: For those of you waiting for “I’m Pretty Good and Drinkin Beer” by Billy Currington, or “Back When” by Tim McGraw, this article doesn’t include songs TRYING to be tongue-and-cheek or silly; these are songs that are really serious and fail at bad poetry or assault us with a complete collapse in all cognitive sensibility .)  I’m done holding the suspense, so you be the judge.

#6. She’s a Hottie – Toby Keith

If you’re like me then you were pretty jazzed when you first heard this song. It was up tempo, had a beat that kept the song driving. It made you want to jump out of your seat, the composition had power to it that built you up and breathed energy into you. And for someone like me who loved Rock but couldn’t stand how stupid and depressing it got in the last decade I liked it a lot…until I tuned into the description of the “hottie” Toby is talking about.

Everything’s good in the first verse, no problems here, sounds like a back-road dream. Then we get to this part;

Spittin in a fire, puttin’ on a show, struttin like a chicken to the radio.

Uh, what? You kinda blindsided me with her spitting in a fire but hey, who am I to judge. But then she’s gotta go off and strut like a chicken in what has got to be one of the most energy crushing images I have ever suffered listening to a song as I try to visualize a woman in daisy dukes and a tied back shirt with her wrists cocked into her armpits flailing them around like a bird, her head bobbing back and forth, something close to the character Sonar in Down Periscope where he does his dolphin song routine.  How on earth and hades this is sexy is so foreign to me it forces applications in my brain to shut down (just like your android phone.)

Unbeknownst to the rest of us, in some back-wood part of America,

this image is symbolic of something highly attractive.

Having lived in the country for at least part of my life I would at least like to add, for my part, that no…no Toby, a hottie she surely is not. But I’m sure she’s a sweety and all after you give her a little maize.

#5. Honeybee – Blake Shelton

So this one always struck me as kind of a sappy song I would never really get into. It gets on the list because somehow it made its way into the top 10 and people like it. It seems okay until you get to the chorus, and then the 3^rd grade poetry flunky takes over from there;

You'll be my soft and sweet
I'll be your strong and steady
You'll be my glass of wine
I'll be your shot of whiskey
You'll be my sunny day
I'll be your shade tree
You'll be my honeysuckle
I'll be your honey bee

It’s actually fine, country has always been perfectly okay with cheezy lyrics, just so long as the meaning is cool, but the last two lines of this chorus are just too much as it gets all mushy-mushy. I can just see Blake and his girl nose to nose with ice-cream on a park bench calling each other fuzzy wuzzy names.

Oh, Blaky Waky my shnookums!...You aren’t thinking of putting that in one of your songs are you?

The song goes on though, since that one line might not justify it getting on this page;

If you'll be my Louisiana
I'll be your Mississippi
You'll be my Little Loretta
I'll be your Conway Twitty
You'll be my sugar, baby
I'll be your sweet iced tea
You'll be my honeysuckle
I'll be your honey bee

I was totally unaware the state of Louisiana had a thing with Mississippi. I’m guessing that Arkansas is the illigitamate offspring? By the time it gets to Sugar Baby and Sweet Iced Tea, its all over. Just to throw salt on the wound he gets cutsy-wutsy with the honeybee thing again (that IS the title).  I feel so sorry for Mississippi and Louisiana for having been thrown into this, you deserve better. Right at the end of the first chorus he goes right into this line,

“Yeah, that came out a little country. But every word was right on the money.”

No, no Blake, it didn’t.  You see this is what happens when someone gets disconnected from country life by fame and stardome. They write stuff like this where you try so hard to remember what country is and suddenly think, “Hey, grandma was sure as true country as fried chicken. What did she used to say to me all the time? Something about you sweet little honeybee? Yeah, that’s country.”

And that’s the story of that. Pretty sure.

#4. 8 Second Ride – Jake Owens

Quick, what’s a country song with a rockin guitar lick and a powerful introduction that sends you out of your chair? The answer, of course, is Jake Owen’s 8 Second Ride.  For a song to the backdrop of what is a girl in leather inadvertently causing bar fights, its energy is nitrous-level here. You may think I’m crazy, but just going on the music alone I can definitely see this song to the backdrop of some fighter pilot movie as the heroes stream through the sky punching America’s enemies to the ground with sheer ampage. (That’s a word right?)

“Hold on tight cause its gonna be wilder than any 8 second ride!” BOOM BABY!

(Those missles are made of nothing but recorded Guitar Solos)

It moves well and the composition controls tempo and energy with excellence and precision. For being a song about nothing but a bar hookup, it could have doubled for any piece in a Michael Bay film.

But just as you’re getting worked up you come across this;

And she said hey boy, do you mind takin' me home tonight?
'Cause I ain't ever seen a country boy with tires on his truck this high

In fairness, she did kinda just walk in and ask him to have sex without any other word so considering all things, you gotta give a girl props for having standards. Those truck tires had better be somethin’, cause if not, you’re goin’ home alone.  But like all the songs on this list, it doesn’t stop there. The next line is,

I said climb on up but honey watch the cup where I’m spitin’ my dip inside.

And you know what, she can rest assured that having chosen here man by an arbitrary thing like tires has totally paid off when she finds herself making out in his truck and suddenly almost drops her elbow into a nice open cup o spit. Cause like…you know…that means he’s a real cowboy and all. And after all, that’s all that really matters.  Because honestly all he’s gotta be good for is your one-night stand.  I mean, its not like whimsical bar or club hookups have contributed to the spread of STDs, illegitimate pregnancies (sorry Arkansas), or scores of broken homes or anything.  And its not like any joe blow can come up with big tires and dip right? We can rest easy knowing that civilized men and woman judge their romantic partners by high standards that reward character, self-reliance, and honesty in our culture.

#3. Honkeytonk Badonkydonk – Trace Atkins

Oh man, I really didn’t want to put this song in here. Number one because my wife loves it and I like it too. Yeah its silly and meant to be so and I totally like Trace Atkins…most of the time. But despite the fact that it may seem that I am breaking the rules by adding a song trying to be silly and off the cuff, absolutely no one on heaven or earth can make sense of a very serious and honest line in the song. The one line that takes the entire playful silly atmosphere of the song and throws a jar of confusion all over it. A line that has single handedly landed this song on every numbskulls ignorant rant about how dumb country is. That line is this,

“Got it goin’ on, like Donkey Kong.”

I remember, the first time I heard this song asking my wife, “so what does he mean ‘like Donkey Kong’. Cause, that doesn’t make sense.” To which she found herself unable to respond.  The only thing she could say was that it wasn’t important. Oh, but it is important!

You see, a playful song about a girl’s good looking backside can talk about said backside in certain structures, and because Americans interpret absolutely anything as a sexual innuendo, he could literally put just about anything here and have it work. Anything except Donkey Kong that is. For those of you who have been living under a rock for the last 20 years, here’s a picture of Donkey Kong,

Spacious pectorals; Check. Bulging biceps; Check. Taunt round buttocks…?

Yeah, we don’t see it either. The only thing that makes sense is that it is a common expression for someone to say “It’s on like Donkey Kong”, and another is “Got it goin’ on.” But the two have nothing to do with each other.  The only semblance of connectivity is the concept “on”. It ends there. People don’t  just needlessly mash two unrelated things together, the consequences could be dyer. Like when they threw Realty TV together with New Jersey. There’s just no way to come out with something that isn’t utterly grotesque. In either case, any attempt to combine the two thoughts is mind-bogglingly vapid. That’s college talk for thoughtless.

Since thoughtless and rhyming lyrics are the exact kind that make this article, Trace finds his way in. And honestly, we may never know what on earth he ever meant, unless her caboose somehow is able to toss barrels. Then we seriously apologize for picking on Mr. Atkins…and ask him for a picture so we can call Guiness.

#2. Truck Yeah – Tim McGraw

This one wasn’t on the list at first, but that’s because I gave Tim McGraw credit for writing a goofy song. That and it sounded good and had energy and those are both things I like. And who could blame him for the cleverness of this song  when he’s done Back When. This one’s even cleverer.  I can say, “Haha, he uses Truck in place of the dreaded F word” and “haha, JACKED up, hilarious!”. Using profanity is a no-no in country, so I found it even respectful of country tradition, as if Tim McGraw would break tradition.

But upon reading the lyrics I began to change my mind a little. “Maybe it could make the list,” I said as my wife (who is the country music guru for like…the state) nodded her head. But it just couldn’t quite make it. Not next to the other wonderful contenders. Then I read a little interview with Tim about what he thought of it and I got this:

“The theme of this song is pretty straight forward… It’s for guys and girls who love jacked up trucks,” McGraw explains in a statement. “It’s a culture, and you don’t have to be from the sticks and only listen to country music to want drive a truck…that’s why I love the reference to Lil Wayne in the lyrics.”

Wait, wait. This is serious! This is about a culture my friend. Not just any culture like American, Arabic, Christian, or Hipster culture, this is about…Truck Culture. Granted, I own a truck and there is a sense of “I own a truck. I can haul stuff with it. I’m one of those guys.” But the more important part is not that this truck culture thing is even sung about, but that, “Holy Cow he’s serious about this!”

 Well, then Mr. McGraw, all bets are off and we begin with the first few lines.

Got Lil' Wayne pumpin on my ipod
Pumpin on the subs in the back of my crew cab
Redneck rockin' like a rockstar

So…this song’s about everybody getting trucks, its truck culture not country culture right Tim? What do you say to that?

If you think this life I love is a little too country, Truck Yeah

Oh, I guess it IS about Country. And there’s nothing more country than Li’ Wayne on an ipod, subs in the back of your crew cab, and rockstars.

Country? Ironically, yes.

But Tim retorts. Later we get this.

Backwoods? country, city Boy
It don't matter who you are
Got a little fight, got a little love
Got a little redneck in your blood
Are you one of us?

So this is actually about how the city boy has redneck in his blood because he has a truck? No, that can’t be right. That would be like some sort of subliminal assimilation. You have a truck, trucks are country, therefore, you’re country.

Wow, I figured it out, Tim McGraw is single-handedly increasing country’s fan base with a single song! Tim is now the leader a new Truck Culture that’s a free pass into country culture, we need like a website or something, and I want to be Prime Minister! Is that allowed?

With a little bit of luck I can find me a girl with a Truck Yeah
We can love it on up Yeah
Til the sun comes up Yeah

Wait, Tim, you don’t even HAVE the truck? What’s this, find a girl with a truck so you can love it on up? Aw, Truck! All my hopes and dreams shattered. What’s the point when our Truck Leader doesn’t even have a Truck of his own?

Dear Mr. McGraw,

Pertinent to the last line of your chorus in your submission “Truck Yeah” I am prepared to offer you an answer.  I do not, in my utmost opinion, feel you are “a little too country” as for the fact that has escaped you; that you do not have a truck. I, having a truck, crank it on up, and jack it on up all the time. Never mind it breaks down constantly, but at least I have one. And when you finally find a girl listening to Lil’ Wayne on her ipod with subs in her crewcab  and join her, then maybe your application for our Truck/Country Culture may be accepted. Until then, keep truckin! Truck Yeah! 

-          Sincerely, The Prime Minister

#1. Country Girl – Luke Bryant

Wow, where do we begin? This song had so much promise and it started out so well. It just slowly degrades into a nightmare as while listening to it we try desperately to hold onto its dignity like a close friend being dragged away by the monster in a horror movie. We are so sad to see it go, realizing all the wonderful potential there was, only to see it disappear forever, leaving us sad and disappointed, feeling helpless for the future and equally betrayed by life.

If you think this picture goes too far in saying what this song does to the

hope of country music…no it doesn’t.

First, this is the first song I have ever heard use the term “like grandma’s yarn” as an analogy for  something either A) erotic, or B) fun. But, you know what? We should give this song a mulligan. Let’s just forget about grandma’s yarn and keep going, because this song’s going to need it.

Here’s the song as we enter the bridge,

Get up on the hood of my daddy's tractor. Up on the toolbox, it don't matter

Down on the tailgate, girl, I can't wait to watch you do your thing
Shake it for the young bucks sitting in the honky-tonks

For the rednecks rocking 'til the break of dawn

The DJ spinning that country song, Come on, come on, come on

Okay, so far not too bad. Yes the song is vapidly about nothing but a girl getting up and shaking her stuff on anything and for anyone this hillbilly can think of, including a toolbox. But hey, you work with what you got. The song is rich enough in musical elements to keep you hooked in. But let’s see what comes out next.

Shake it for the birds, shake it for the bees

Ooh, took a good knock there. That’s righteous 3^rd grade sonnet material. I suppose there’s this whole talk of the birds and bees thing and I suppose that the traditional talk parents used to give their kids to explain sex is probably only used in the far reaches of the back wood so maybe we can pass this one off as some sort of cheezily worded deep symbolism. Like, maybe Luke Bryan’s poetic imagery is a narrative on the entire process of coming of age and learning about sex in America.

Above: “Coming of Age” (as if you don’t know what’s on the screen.)

 In some deep way he’s saying that this is how we are educated on sex now, rather than the old birds and bees talk from our parents, we no longer listen to them but learn about sex by getting out, experimenting with each other; half understanding what’s going on. Deep inside American teens cry for help and guidance as a morally vacuous culture thrusts sex at them for sales and forces these ideas on them which they must act out on.



Marketing, apparently. (I wanted to do something from American Apparel,

but that stuff was basically porn. You know I’m not joking.)

 It’s like a whole commentary on the breakdown of childhood, the missing parent in their lives, her dancing on that toolbox for him is their strenuous way of trying just to make sense of all this adultness forced on them so early where so many hard decisions are suddenly having to be made and mistakes can be made so grand a life is changed forever!

Shake it for the catfish swimming down deep in the creek

For the crickets and the critters, and the squirrels

Nope, no I guess not. He’s actually telling her to shake her bulbous behind proudly for catfish and crickets. Perhaps we can once again reach out and lunge for our friend, a last desperate attempt can be made to do something, anything rational or irrational to justify saving this song before it condemns all future country music to suffocation under the vapid cloud of cookie-cutter relationship songs or party songs. Maybe he’s using animals as a symbol for all that’s left in the innocence of country. Maybe she’s proudly shaking her rear for country life, for everything from apple pie to baseball, all the things Americans have forgotten, all the wonders of the past. She’s shaking it for you and me, for her country, for all that was once good that we ignorantly threw away for cheap satisfaction and instant entertainment or convenience….

Shake it to the moon, shake it for me girl

Alas, as the halls become quite and the screams are silenced, the blob claims another victim as we take a long look at the camera and beg the world to respond before it is too late.

If this doesn’t motivate you, I don’t know what will.

Shame on you Luke, you made kitty cry.