Let's Fight About Sports



It should occur to many that there are a great deal of things people fight and get very hurt and angry about. Politics, race relations, moral beliefs, how to raise kids, and of course how to pronounce certain works like "potato", "bury" and "wash". Don't even get me started. I don't want to hear anymore butchering of sacred words with things like po-tot-oh, berry, or warrrrssshhh. Seriously that's like what the Lion King did to "hakuna matata". Its pronounced "ha-koo-na ma * ta * ta". Not "ha-koo-na muh-tada" Seriously, on behalf of East Africa I am offended.

But serious discussions like these can lead to rather ill tempers and often aggravated arguments where we say things we don't mean to. Human beings are so vastly different in their experience and upbringing its impossible to ever say exactly what you mean and have it understood perfectly, so adding emotional connotation and alternate meanings to that discussion makes it 10 times worse. Now I am not saying we should stop talking about these things. If we don't understand each other on these highly volatile discussions we endanger our society because a lack of understanding causes intolerance of beliefs and the intolerance of beliefs inevitably leads us to harm others for those beliefs. Cooperation only comes with communication. However, I believe that our most vehement and inconsiderate arguments have to go somewhere and I believe they should be more mundane things like Sports or who should win American Idol...or how about just sports; without referencing in any way any position on any of the subjects outlined above.

      So, in light of that revelation, I have concluded to include a very inconsiderate and ballsy periodical about the hating of sports. So...

A young boy once could not figure out what sport to play the following year. His city offered all the basic popular sports in his American city like Baseball, Basketball, Football, Soccer, and Hockey. He liked them all a little but didn't know what to choose. He then realized he had five uncles who all seemed to follow sports and he decided that at the next family get together to ask them. In a backyard of a large home sat his five uncles all sitting down and talking about politics and other stuff. He stepped boldly in front of their semi-circle of lawn chairs and came out with it. "Which is the best sport?"

The five got quiet very quickly. The oldest uncle with gray hair spoke candidly, "are you really about to open Pandora's box here? We were happily discussing politics." Another uncle who worked on cars and had a mustache spoke, "he's probably trying to decide which sport to play?" The other four nodded and they all got tenser as if a battle was inevitable. The one with a five o-clock shadow and reddish hair spoke quickly, "hockey. Definitely."

The others laughed at him. "I'm serious." He said defiantly. "Football," said the oldest uncle. The others jeered. "Football is a man's sport, an American sport, and a true sport." The reddish haired one retorted, "you know what they say don't you? Real men play football, but real men with intelligence play hockey." The oldest waved him off and laughed. "Hockey?" Said the man with the mustache. "You mean the sport where you punch each other just like boxing, only in boxing punching is the point." "Hockey takes a great deal of strength and dexterity." The man returned "Let me tell you a story about hockey." The others listened intently.

"Long ago, God saw that man needed sport and asked all the angels to bring to him ideas. One brought baseball and he said "play there in the open fields." He looked at the football players and said "play where there is soft grass and a little cooler for those pads will be warm." Then volleyball came and he said play on the beach or on a smooth surface. Then soccer came and he said "wow, you can play that anywhere. Such a sophisticated and physically demanding sport to test ones endurance! I give you the whole globe to play!" One by one the came. Basketball was best inside or on pavement, golf in the vast country. Finally Satan came and showed his idea for a game. Players couldn't run but had to work hard to control themselves on a slippery surface. The ball was tiny like in golf but not even round and you had to hit it with sticks but while moving across the slippery surface. Then goal was tiny and there was little room to move so players had to push on another and strike each other with hard sticks. They also had blades on their feet so the fallen would perish sacrificially while the ball was hard as a rock so it would hurt those it hit when struck hard by the long sticks. He made them wear just enough padding to inhibit their dexterity and bog them down. Then finally, whenever players disagreed or became irate with all the pads, bumping, hitting with sticks, all while trying to hit a small rocklike thing into a goal the size a man could almost cover completely, it was on the rules they had to try and kill each other. God thought about it and seeing how Satan intended to destroy man with sport spoke carefully. "This sport will be played on that frozen field of ice where no one can live way up north. Where the seasons mean it cannot be played year round and where no one would dare to wander." Satisfied he let Satan leave hoping mankind would never learn the game of hockey."

The sport of Satan?

The rest laughed but also jeered. The uncle with blondish hair and dimples spoke quickly. "Like a sport where you run around for 90 minutes without scoring is a good sport." The mustached mechanic came back, "now there's a lot going on in 90 minutes of what you think is nothing." The man waved him off, "please. Soccer is so boring. Nothing happens for 99% of the game. The only thing that matters is the goals. It's like people standing in line for a roller coaster. When its your turn you finally get to go but for the rest of it you watch nothing happen and just spend your whole time wishing it was your turn. But basketball, that's a sport that's like a roller coaster but there's no line."

The men jeered him, "yeah, but basketball is so showy, there's no sportsmanship in it," said the youngest uncle with dark hair and a young continence. "Sportsmanship?" Said the blonde uncle loudly. "You want sportsmanship? Oh, well let me go get you a drink. " He began to stand when he suddenly flung himself on the ground and grabbed his face for no reason. The rest sat back down after initially reacting. "Yellow card for you my friend. One more and you're out of the game and your team gets to play a man down. Oh, yeah that's sportsmanship alright."

The others kinda agreed. The mustached man came back, "now that's not fair. There are people that play that way but that's not how the game is played." "Pbbbtt," sounded the blonde uncle getting up. "Please. They all play that way everywhere in the world." He put his drink down and leaned over, "I got a story about soccer. A team of soccer players, thinking they could outlast a team of basketball players, challenged them to a fight. The two teams got together and when they started they put the two best guys up against each other. The first soccer player stepped forward and when the basketball player stepped in to punch him the soccer player fell to the ground holding his groin. The soccer players said it was unfair and that they won that fight. The basketball players were interested in keeping things going instead of wasting time dawdling so they gave them one and went on."

"The next two went up and went after each other. Only the soccer player danced around for five minutes doing nothing. What is he doing? Asked the basketball players. Fighting, can't you see it? Said the soccer players. After ten minutes of the soccer player running around avoiding being hit and never taking a swing the basketball player gave up and let the soccer player hit him once. The soccer players erupted in cheers and waved flags and blew stupid horns. The basketball player sat down and laughed."

"The third fight took place and the basketball player slugged him real good in the mouth. He started to bleed and fell back like he was really hurt. The basketball player asked him if he needed a timeout and so the soccer player sat there acting hurt and nodded. It took so long a lot of them weren't paying attention anymore. They waited a few minutes and then the soccer player got up. While everyone was still not watching he motioned he was ready and then quickly kicked the basketball player in the nuts. Some of the basketball players said it was not fair but the soccer players said they didn't see anything."

"The forth match happened and in this the basketball player exacted revenge and picking up his opponent's body slammed him and decidedly won. Suddenly the soccer players were furious at having lost and started rioting. They tore up the building they were in and broke windows and set stuff on fire and then rushed the basketball players. Now guess how this story ends?"

They all watched in anticipation except for the mustached uncle who glared at him. "The basketball players beat the snot out of the soccer players because they were taller, stronger, and actually know how to take a hit without flopping to the ground crying like a baby."

It would be moving if he were really hurt.

The rest laughed but he wasn't getting away that easy. The oldest uncle chimed in, "yeah, I wonder what would happen if your basketball team took on my football team." The blonde uncle sneered, "the same. One of these teams plays with protective pads, the other doesn't need it." The older uncle spoke quickly, "that's exactly right because only one of these games needs pads. You want to know something; I've seen basketball players flop too." The blonde uncle shook his head, "no, no. That kind a stuff isn't popular its just troublemakers." The oldest returned, "I'm beginning to see it more and more. And seriously, what kind of a game is it that has two guys playing while the rest do nothing? Talk about lackluster." The blonde revolted, "every man on that court is doing something important." The mustached uncle chimed in, "like in soccer."

The oldest uncle waved him off and continued, "let me tell you a story about basketball. There once was a proud and arrogant man who hated sharing. He despised it so much he loathed anyone getting credit for a victory with him. He played football at the time, like any good American should. But hated how there were so many people on his team and it made him feel like less of a superstar. He had to share glory with the quarterback, the coaches, the wide receivers, the linebackers, the defensive ends...and to boot the only way to be good was to rely on the others. Because if people didn't block for him, run patterns ahead of him, or get him the ball, he couldn't get anywhere. It was too much of a team sport. He wanted a sport where he could sit there and hold the ball for a long time to get all the attention. One where he could get all the points so he looked like the superstar while others did the work that actually won games like defense and passing. He wanted a sport where 90% of the time he could just stand there and shuffle in place while someone else did all the work. A sport where he could be boastful and fit in, a sport where he could shove his weight into another man and get rewarded with a foul against his opponent. He wanted a sport that rewarded people who didn't share and threw their arrogance around and talked bad to other players. He basically wanted a sport where he could be a brat and never grow up. So he went to another sport where all those needs were met, guess which sport he went to?"

Well timed expression or nature of the sport?

His eyes opened with a glimmer in anticipation of his own answer as the blonde haired uncle leaned back and acted uninterested. "Well," said the youngest uncle. "I will say that is very true of basketball. But at least like baseball, basketball takes precision skill. In fact, baseball takes more coordination than any of your sports." They all laughed. "Baseball, huh?" Said the oldest. "Yes, baseball. The sport where you have to accurately and safely handle a flying projectile speeding towards you at up to 100mph. That sport. I'll tell you something about baseball. One day a baseball team had an open tryout and they invited people to come and try for a position. All the other sports teams in town figured...baseball? That's easy! You stand around and hit and throw a ball. How hard can it be?"

"At tryouts the basketball player came up and he stepped in with his glove to play catch. The coach threw him a pitch but the guy freaked out. He couldn't handle anything thrown that fast! The football player also went up and was timed in a 40 yard dash. He figured he had them all beat but when they ran he found himself losing to the baseball players who looked at him with pity because he was kinda heavy but he couldn't figure out why he was slower. The poor guy didn't even try at working infield. It turned out he never made a decision for himself in a game before. He just ran patterns and what he was told to do. When he was supposed to throw to first or had the possibility for a double play, he froze and looked at the coach. When he tried to swing a bat, he found he couldn't hit anything because the ball was too fast. He wondered how on earth anyone could swing a bat fast enough to hit a ball?"

"The soccer player got up to bat too, only when the ball was thrown he got scared. It came close one time and he faked getting hit, and then was promptly thrown out of the tryout. The hockey player wasn't afraid of the ball, but couldn't swing the bat fast enough either, couldn't run the bases to make a little league team and threw like a toddler. The four gave up and as they left, as a sign of respect to America's historical pastime, left a piece of their own sport at the stadium hanging on a pole as a symbol to the world that there is no riskier, more difficult to master, and universally challenging sport than baseball."

Apparently football players are prone to either a)color blindness or b) fits of hugs.

The men all booed him harshly but he vigorously defended himself. At the end of it the redish-haired uncle finally stopped them all and got everyone's attention. "Okay! So...you mean to say baseball is a risky sport, huh?" The youngest uncle shrugged and held his hands out challenging him to prove otherwise. "Okay. How about a sport where you have to play on ice with a ball as hard as a rock flying around where people move around of sharp ice skates? In fact, I have my own story to tell."

"One day a small warrior nation looked at their people and realized that they were all just a bunch of sissies. They knew they were weak and needed to learn a sport that challenged them to survive and to be tough and strong. They interviewed westerners and learned about football. It was good for teaching toughness, but you had to wear pads and do nothing but take orders. That and it was played on a smooth grassy field and neither life nor the battlefield is played on a comforting surface."

"When they learned soccer they liked it until they saw players take dives and cower at balls being shot. They figured being greater wimps was hardly what they wanted. And basketball was also bad. It rewarded some individuals over others and took away the humility one needs to fight with a unit in war and taught people to be celebrities. And it was also a foul to even touch each other. That and it was played inside where it was air-conditioned and that just wouldn't teach anyone to be tough."

"The baseball players were the worse. They stood around 99% of the time and did nothing but chew tobacco or gum and scratch themselves. It taught them how to swing a bat, but only one person at a time and at most you swung a bat a dozen times a game. People still ran on a nice level surface that was easy and most of the players sat on the side doing nothing anyways. They didn't even make contact with each other. It was so sad they were embarrassed for trying it."

"Finally they saw hockey and that it challenged them to move on ice so they had to manage that while playing with sticks with a rock hard object they had to control. They had to be aggressive to play, overcome fear, master dexterity and agility. And they had to work as a team just to get a chance at scoring. One night in a secret council meeting they voted on the best sport and the next day every person was given a hockey stick so that they could forever be a tough nation. And then they beat the nation that played baseball. The end."

Baseball...where a hefty percentage of playing time is spent like this.

The other men mocked him and comments began flying back and forth between them. Soccer was better because it was sophisticated and required endurance, football because you had to be strong and fast, basketball because it required more coordination and the most agility and athleticism, baseball because it needed the most dexterity and took the longest to master, and hockey because it was challenging and aggressive. They all fought for a few minutes and got very heated. Finally the young boy started to leave.

The red-haired man stopped him, "Whoa, whoa. Where are you going?" The boy turned, "I decided which sport to play." The five looked at him intently. "Well," said the mustached uncle. "Which one," said the young one. "I've decided that my health is too important to be wrapped up in controversy and conflict. So I'm going to play a sport where people don't take dives and cheat, there are no selfish prima donnas, there's no standing around for hours, there's no just taking orders, and there's no unruly fighting and loss of temper." The all waited. "So, which one?" Asked the oldest uncle. "I think I'm going to go out for wrestling. And after that, perhaps rowing. Yeah, that's a good sport."

He left and they all were silent. "Wrestling?" Wondered the blonde man. "What on earth would make him want to do a sport where you just circle around and grab at somebody all day?" The others agreed. "We all made such good cases for our sports. Why did he choose wrestling?" Wondered the oldest. Then all of a sudden the boy's father came rushing into the circle with his brothers. Overjoyed he shouted, "my boy's gonna go out for wrestling! Just like his old man! I am so proud of you guys for talking him into it!"

The five brothers looked at him with glares. Their attacks already prepared and their lips licking, just ready to rip into the conversation anew.

...and the boy lived happily ever after.