Internet Personality Surveys...As I See Them
The following is a personal interpretation of a typical (but not every) internet personality survey...something to the tune of "What kind of ______ Are You?" or "What's Your _______?" It is in no way serious or meant to chide or demean anyone at all but merely exemplify the nature of such surveys...because they irritate me. As a cautious and responsible person of commitments who works a lot but does nothing crazy or reckless, its quite offensive how these surveys come across. I took the liberty of putting my own thoughts behind these because...it's the only way to keep my cool doing these. The other way is to just not take the survey seriously which is great medicine I choose to decline in order to poke fun of something. Hey, I'm in line with the spirit of this blog which is to shoot a mosquito with a cannon. So don't be offended if you love these surveys, you can totally still have the right to enjoy them and take them lightly while I choose to light the wick and cover my ears in expectation. So experience that with me and laugh at it too if you are able. Enjoy!
Above: A collage of historical figures; as if I had to tell you.
A. Steve Jobs
B. Barak Obama
C. Andy Warhol
D. Karl Marx
E. Susan B. Anthony
So, my young sheltered-knowitall-self described hipster-lucky to not have to start life with a real job author; aside from the fact that one of these people isn't dead enough to be "historical" and one is still freshly deceased, this list is kinda ignorant. It's that kinda youthful ignorance that just comes with being thrust into an influential role without really knowing life, history, or just reality except what was crammed into your mind in school. Seriously, you aren't going to throw figures in here like Ghandi, Wilberforce, Galileo, Lincoln, Joan of Arc, Constantine, Buddha, Imhotep, Nelson Mandela, Mother Teresa, Genghis Kahn, Confucius...Jesus...seriously the list goes on and on. You're list is just shy of being a representative of a 13 year old. Since you force me to answer your question to the best of my ability I gotta go at with Susan B. Anthony. Sorry Apple worshipers. The point is to have a list diverse enough to grab a little at everyone, your list probably only grabs at what you know.
2. What movie best describes your life?
A. Nepoleon Dynamite
B. The Godfather
C. The Wolf of Walstreet
D. The Big Lebowski
Yeah, I'm not really sure what's going on here. I'm going to pick none. Except all of these stupid surveys give you no choice but to choose one of the options or forfeit doing the survey. Which in all honesty at this point has already crossed my mind. I'm going to turn this list on you and out hipster you by choosing The Room. Without all the awkward bad acting and terrible plot. In fact, just for the fact you could take a look outside my life and laugh at serious stuff. At least that's what I tell myself.
Live Dynamite Life...I don't know what that means.
A. Goat
B. Turtle
C. Rat
D. Pig
E. Pygmy Marmoset
What? I mean...what? I want Dragon. I don't care what your useless list of animals is; Dragon. None of your animals are cool. Enough said.
Above: Cute + Monkey = Popular with kids...or kids themselves
A. Drunk and passed out
B. Super drunk and passed out
C. Waking up some place you don't remember
D. Waking up in the room of someone you don't know
E. Getting Arrested
F. Vomiting
Well that escalated quickly.
I usually end a party by looking at my phone/clock and realizing I have to work at a responsible hour the next day. Then I say goodbye to everyone in a kindly manner with all proper formalities and manners. If my carbon-dioxide producing/habitat reducing/overpopulating offspring are present I'll gather them up responsibly and help them clean up their mess. I know this is a foreign concept to you. It's okay. I didn't expect it to be on the list at this point.
5. What's your favorite beverage?
A. Pabst Blue Ribbon
B. Budweiser
C. Heineken
D. A glass of wine
E. Just gimme something hard
You forgot "F.Other liquid...like water or something because you're lame." The answer is actually Maui Blanc Pinneaple Wine; but that's beside the point. There's so much more to the world of beverage than alcohol this list is like asking what your favorite sports team (any sport) is and having a list consisting of the New York Yankees, New York Giants, New York Knicks, and New York Red Bulls. But you know what, I was able to answer from the list by choosing D. So I guess you get this one. Me 4; You 1.
The best of the best with honors
6. How do you spend your Sunday?
A. Watching TV
B. Clubbing with friends
C. Drinking
D. Working
Right, because there's absolutely nothing else you would do with a Sunday. It's not like people go to church, spend time with family, or go out somewhere other than a club. You realize this survey is about everyone else and not yourself right?
Well the internet said it and the internet doesn't lie. Rats.
7. What's the best way to quit a bad job?
A. Yelling at your boss and storming out
B. Take a bunch of stuff and wait for them to catch you
C. Give everyone the silent treatment and walk out
D. No need to make drama; just don't show up
I'm gonna need those TPS reports...
How about, "respectfully put in a two week notice". You may not have enough respect for an occupation to give the company time to replace you but they sure had enough respect to hire you so think about that. I know you feel you're entitled to a living but try to see things from the perspective of something called reality.
8. What label most adequately describes you?
A. Hipster
B. Jock
C. Hippie
D. Prude
E. Geek
Duh, Geek. Mainly because its an ambiguous term. Were you trying to channel me into Prude? Actually, I might just go with Prude. At this point I've learned from your survey I'm an outcast if I don't drink a ton, party all the time, and disrespect others so I guess you'd probably settle for that...and considering the list so far so would I.
9. What is your dream job?
A. World Traveler
B. Food Critic
C. Political Activist
D. Celebrity
E. Video Game Designer
I am so glad that dreams have become so full and important nowadays. It's not like a dream job can be something that might be difficult yet sacrificing for others, significant, and fulfilling. The major theme here is what would be easy or fun. I actually happen to know there once was a time dream jobs were things that changed the world like Scientist, Teacher, Humanitarian, Explorer, and such. I suppose this list is an adequate depiction of modern western culture so maybe you get this one. Also; if I'm honest I'm pretty sure if I could make a living being a world traveler or video game designer I'd do it too. But I still stand behind my challenge to dream bigger than luxury, even for myself.
Next exit 600 miles.
10. What do you value most in life?
A. Money
B. Friends
C. Being Well-Known
D. Having Fun
This one just kinda sums it all up. The missing values such as Meaningfulness, Inner Peace, Purity, Enlightenment, Joy...those are kinda lost on our friend the surveyor, aren't they? In the end this whole exercise is kind of unfair. You have a magazine out there hiring some "hip" youngster fresh out of brain scrambling college (at least I hope it is for our world's sake) to write this stuff and market it to other young people so they will read their stuff for years. So what is inevitable is a lack of maturity. In reality everyone is at a different place in their life and genuinely everyone has different values so the author really doesn't deserve the chiding. Really its the stupid magazine or periodical that deserves it. Marketing ploys are a terrible indication of culture or identity. That's kind of how we got to this entitlement culture to begin with. That and wealth that shields people from the reality of the human condition. It's like marketers are controlling culture and creating more of themselves to control more culture. That's a scary place I don't really want to go...so I wont.
Fin.
Internet Challenger: So that's it, you're just going to end it?
Me: Yes.
Internet Challenger: You have to apologize for being down on hipsters.
Me: But I wasn't. I never indicated it was bad to be a hipster.
Internet Challenger: So you're okay with Pabst Blue Ribbon and The Big Lebowsky?
Me: Oh no. Lets get one thing straight. I've never seen the Big Lebowsky and Pabst stinks. And so does doing nothing but drinking and clubbing for that matter. At some point life teaches you responsibility whether you like it or not. At least I hope it does.
Internet Challenger: So you do hate hipsters.
Me: ...I'm not so sure we are going to understand each other. All that also doesn't make you a hipster. You realize I can dislike or disapprove of something you may do while not hating you, right?
Internet Challenger: ...You don't make any sense.
Me: Aaand close curtain...lights out...walk off set.
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